While watching a video at a recent meeting of local conservatives, I was stunned to hear the news that I don't live in a democracy.

Conspiracy theorists have been saying that for years, blaming the Illuminati, the Trilateral Commission, Freemasonry, and Tiger Woods.

(Tiger actually hasn't been around that long, but he's being blamed for everything else, so he must be responsible for this as well.)

Of course, those same theorists believe 9/11 was a hoax perpetrated by former president George W. Bush, so I've never given them a lot of credence.

Bush couldn't even navigate the complexities of a Mr. Salty pretzel, so I doubt that he could dream up a scam involving secret explosives in the World Trade Center.

According to the video, America isn't a democracy.

It turns out that I live in a republic.

In fact, again according to the video, our founding fathers actually disliked democracy almost as much as they disliked the King of England and expensive tea, pointing out that the word "democracy" does not appear anywhere in the Declaration of Independence or the U.S. Constitution.

I can't remember exactly which middle school teacher first brainwashed me with the idea that America is a democracy, so I figure I'll just start a class-action suit and sue all the social studies teachers in the country to make sure I get the right culprit.

I figure I'll be able to win millions, enough money to pay my health insurance premiums for the next six or seven years.

While I'm at it, I'm going to name in the lawsuit all those election officials who have lied to me for decades, insisting that my vote really counted.

Because it turns out, the video is right.

I'm not sure where I was on the day my social studies teacher explained that U.S. Senators originally weren't elected by the people the way they are today, but I don't remember ever hearing that, because a little thing like not electing Senators is something that would have stuck with me.

It turns out that, until 1913, the men responsible for sleeping with Washington, D.C. call girls and taking bribes from industry tycoons were actually elected by the legislature of each state.

(I've often wondered...what were "call girls" called before the invention of the telephone? "Wire women?" "Pony Express tarts?")

Thankfully, times have changed.

Those men (and women) now sleep with pros and non-pros alike, accept "campaign contributions from industry PACs" instead of bribes, and are elected by the people.

For those keeping score, it's called "progress."

(As the comedian Gallagher once observed, "If con is the opposite of pro, does that mean Congress is the opposite of progress?")

One thing I DO remember from Mr. Rudolph's 11th grade U.S. History class is the fact that we've never elected American presidents, despite the fact that a lot of money changes hands every four years in a bizarre version of "American Idol, The Home Game."

No, to this day, U.S. presidents are selected by the Electoral College, which is like an amped-up version of Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, Kara DioGuardi, Ellen DeGeneres, and Simon Cowell.

Considering the fact that over the years America has selected Taylor Hicks, Jordin Sparks, and Fantasia while sending home Clay Aiken, Jennifer Hudson, and Chris Daughtry, maybe our founding fathers were right.

In any event, it was a shocker to learn that I don't live in a democracy, that I live in a republic.

Looking at how bad the Democrats and Republicans have messed things up over the years, I think I'd like to see us find a new way of picking leaders.

Personally, I'm leaning toward a "Rock-Paper-Scissors-ocracy" or maybe even a "Duck-Duck-Goose-ic."

History has proven that these selection methods can't be any worse than what we currently have - a Mess-ocracy.