Anyone planning on seeing the latest alien anal probe flick, “The Fourth Kind”?

Perhaps the better question is…does anyone actually BELIEVE in this crap?

OK, let’s paint the picture…

It's midnight and there you are snuggling up to Mr/Mrs pillow as its bedtime.

And just as sleep-helpful visions of Megabucks are about to come dancing through your head, a bright light shoots through your window.

It’s a CAR, duh.

But wait!

Headlights have a tendency to be turned OFF after a few seconds…but not these.

In fact, these headlights appear to have a special power…the ability to open your window!

And then, and then…

Because it's in the script…

You lie in bed, staring at the lights, praying it isn’t your latest stalker but are captivated by all this.

And then comes the ray of light that attaches itself to your body and somehow manages to LIFT you upward.

O…M…G…!

Could it be, could it be?

Now, now…LET it be.

That’s right…that there light suddenly uses the "force" as it floats you up and out through your window…

Careful now…watch out for that antique Zimbabwean lamp…

Yes, it's late at night, you had your pajamas on and the neighbors might see you, but, they were all asleep and didn’t notice that bright light shining through your window, nor did they hear the UFO engines because the "mute" button was on, so…its all good.

Just kick back, go with the flow, enjoy the levitation action, because…

You've just been abducted!

So now what?

Well…

They might resemble Mariska Hargitay, interrogate you and float you back home.

They might throw you a roar-shock test, wait til you fail and zap your head off.

Or…

They might have hit the Mayo Clinic ahead of time, snagged a plunger and mining helmet, and planned to shove them up your ying-yang in order to find the all-encompassing human knowledge you apparently sustain…as opposed to just removing your skull, sticking in some straws and sucking it out…as opposed to digging up Einstein, running a few CSI tests and calling it a day.

I wouldn’t know; I’m not an alien, aside from the skinny part.

What I DO know is that, according to Hollywood and all of you who believe this crap, aliens have some fetish for probing our butts for knowledge…because all accounts say so.

Therefore, in order to "convince" us of this, they decided to come out with yet another movie about it:

“The Fourth Kind”

And in order to get us all to scramble to see it, they included that it's "based on true events."

DEEEEEEP breath.

Cough.

Sigh.

Shake of head.

Rub eye.

Pick nose.

BOL (burp out loud)

So here’s the deal…

If you wanna believe in this junk... enjoy.

Don’t get me wrong…

I’m not an Atheist who believes we, on this planet, are the ONLY form of life in the universe.

I’m more of the Agnostic who is open to the idea, but, if I were to believe that some advanced intelligence from another planet needed to attack my rear end for sake of knowledge, I would buy some serious Goodyear underwear and hope the dudes looked like E.T.

C’mon, people!

OK…let’s put the alien anal action aside.

Let’s think like an alien.

I’m advanced.

I have a hella cool spacecraft that hauls ass throughout the universe.

I wanna learn about other life forms, so, how would I do that?

Let’s see…

1. Abduct someone against their will…in hopes it's not some (you fill in the blanks) and pray they have the knowledge I seek.

Or...

2. Valet park at Area 51, ask for a joint session with the elite political figures in order to ASK questions about humans, take notes and be on my way.

Ya follow me here?

All of these abduction movies are based on what we think aliens would do…not what they have done.

And why are they always described as being skinny and green with big heads and eyes?

If we have been visited, is it not possible that its been from life on various planets and that they all looked different?

According to the stories people tell, the same damn dude (and his buddies) keep showing up.

In that case I guess there are only TWO planets in the universe with life forms:

1. Earth

2. The planet with little, green, skinny dudes with big heads and eyes who have nothing else better to do but hi-jack us when they get bored.

Good to know.

Nanu-Nanu

-Matticus

moviwriter@yahoo.com